10 Things We Should Tell Kids Were Real

Kids with notebooksKids don’t know what really happened before they were born. You can see it in the way they react with shock when you tell them that phones were stuck to the wall, or that video games didn’t exist. So, why not make up more fun things to tell them:

1. Gravity used to be lower, so you could jump from your house to school in one go. Just before kids were born, an evil genius used a gravity ray to increase the pull of the Earth, and now we all have to walk places.

2. Sheep could talk and used to be politicians. Sheep were so good at talking, that some humans got annoyed and used secret injections to take away their ability to speak. Some sheep rebelled, leading to the great sheep-human war of 1982.

3. The sky used to be bright pink with purple clouds. Stupid climate change ruined the sky and turned it boring blue.

4. Jar Jar Binks is real. Jar Jar Binks is actually a resident of the Miami Center for the Criminally Insane. He’s not allowed visitors and the staff preserve his privacy by not allowing anyone to film him. He was allowed out for a brief period to star in the Star Wars prequels.

5. The Captain Underpants books by Dav Pilkey are actually 6,000 years old. They were translated from ancient languages into English by Dav Pilkey, after he found them in an old burial mound.

6. A hundred years ago, boys used to play with dolls and girls played with guns. Boys used to wear pink and girls wore blue (Actually true), and boys had long hair and girls had short hair.

7. Dinosaurs were never real. They were made up to give kids something cool to think about. People thought that normal animals were too boring, so they made up huge dragon-like lizards and drew pictures of them. Kids love them so much, and no-one has the heart to tell them they’re fake.

8. Lights were originally called darks. The lamp in your house used to darken a room in the daytime, for people who wanted to sleep more. However, in 1981, Thomas Edison and Nikola Tesla made giant robot suits and fought to change darks over to being lights. Tesla won (obviously) and now we have lights for showing the way after dark.

9. Computers used to be powered by little hamsters. At the start, every computer had a little wheel inside it with a hamster that used to run around to power the computer. Since the hamster would get tired, you could only use the computer for short amounts of time. Some rich kids in the neighbourhood would buy multiple hamsters, so they could use their computer for longer.

10. Pancake Tuesday used to be called Broccoli Tuesday. Everyone loved broccoli so much, that they would look forward to it all year. People used to eat pancakes every day and only got to eat broccoli once a year. Everybody started to get fat from the pancakes, and broccoli is delicious, so everyone decided to reverse it.

Image credit: andresr / 123RF Stock Photo


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