I’ve contemplating one of the most fundamental questions of our time today: If an orc and a dwarf had a baby, would it be a dworc or a orarf? And would it be more interested in mining or killing innocent creatures?
Of course, like all the major questions, people have assumed it’s impossible to know for sure. I’m going to prove them wrong today. I’ve created a holotainment program to test it out. A bunch of orcs and dwarfs have been programmed to have sex with each other and then I’m going to accelerate the gestation process to see what happens.
I’ll check back in a few hours…
I can’t get the images out of my head, Diary. They’re burnt in there like a cattle brand. And the smells. I don’t think I’ll ever stop smelling that. I guess I should tell you what happened for posterity.
So, I created ten orcs and ten dwarfs – a mix of males and females. I had to override their brains a little to make them attracted to the other species. I gave them a bunch of caves for privacy and they went off to do their thing.
When they came back, they all had a sing-song around a campfire and seemed to be the best of friends. As the evening progressed, though, and the women’s bellies grew, the mood changed. It turns out that orc women get very aggressive when they’re pregnant and dwarf women get very… amorous.
I tried to stop the simulation, but it turns out that I misprogrammed something and the exit wouldn’t open.
Once the orc women had hacked all the dwarf men to pieces, they then turned on me. I kind of hoped they’d make it quick, since I was getting a little queasy from watching the dwarf women forcing themselves on the orc men.
They didn’t, though. They dragged me off to a cave and tied me up, just in time to see them all go into labour. Orc births are not something you should witness, Diary. Ever. Ever ever.
Once it was done, the little orc babies got up and started running around the cave. When they spotted me, they ran over and bit me. It turns out that they’re born with pretty sharp teeth. Sharp teeth, but small mouths. It took a long time for them to eat enough of me for me to die in the simulation.
I dropped into ghost mode and went out to check on the others, but they were nowhere to be seen. Once I explored the caves, I found them, though. Orc men sitting holding a baby each while the dwarf women shouted at them about how they never went out anymore.
Remember, Diary, these are dwarf women. They don’t like to go outside more than once a decade.
I think it might have put me off having children a little bit.
Elijah Meyer, UFS Greenstar.
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