The dating scene is hard. Who better to give you advice than someone who’s been out of it for twenty years? With that, here are my top ten tips for what not to do.
1. Avoid Looking Too Rapey
I sympathise. Owning a panel van is just practical for when you need to move large objects. And the object you’re currently moving is a mattress. It seems normal. However, did you know that some women might consider it threatening? Similarly, telling them about your chloroform collection might be too much information for a first date.
2. No Staring
Most women understand you might take a quick glance somewhere other than their face every now and then, but don’t stare for thirty uninterrupted seconds. I know what you’re thinking, the earlobe isn’t even a “naughty” thing to look at. It doesn’t matter. She’s going to assume there’s something wrong. And after she checks in a mirror, she’ll realise you’re the something wrong.
3. No Starring
Inviting a date to your one-man performance of Silas Marner might seem like a good idea. After all, you’re supposed to show off what a catch you are. However, in the sixth hour, you might glance over and see she’s gone home. It’s not her lack of culture, it was just too much too soon, big guy. Start small with a poem or song. Then move on to the ten hour epics after she can’t politely refuse.
4. No Starting Fights
Don’t pick fights with people around you. That includes your date. Playful wrestling is fine later on in a relationship. Please note, however, playful wrestling does not include:
- Swords and other blades.
5. Avoid Homemade Deodrants
It might seem like a cost saver to make your own deodrants from things you have lying around the house. Unfortunately, women have a stronger sense of smell than men and may object to your oniony underarms.
6. Try Not to Laugh at the Wrong Times
It’s bound to come up. She’ll be telling you about how her grandmother died without saying goodbye and you feel a laughing fit coming on. Try to suppress it. She might not have the same perspective on the absurdity of life that you do. To you, we’re all marching towards death, and no goodbye will ever be enough before oblivion takes us. She might just miss her grandmother, and while those emotions are temporary, due to be obliterated by the void, they’re real to her.
7. Don’t Tell Women Their Flaws Are Your Fetish
At least not on a first date. Saying, I like your broken nose, it’s distinctive is okay. Saying, I’m into broken noses in a low voice while stroking her arm is not.
8. Don’t Tell Women How Desperate You Are
Unfortunately, most women don’t view desperation as an attractive quality in a man. Telling her that you’ll kill yourself if you don’t get to kiss a woman soon isn’t likely to swing things in your favour. Instead, try to compliment her dress or hairstyle.
9. No Licking
That includes both your date and her food. However, to be safe, also avoid licking walls, floors, servers, chefs, stairs and lampposts. Ice creams are fine. I know it seems like a double standard, but licking ice creams is acceptable behaviour around women.
10. Don’t Tell Her About Non-Human Friends
Your best buddies from the planet Zarglon are great to be around, but some women don’t like hearing about them too often. Also, emphasising the word best when talking about your pet will make it seem like you mean only. You need to strike a balance. Try mentioning friends with normal human names. Or change your pets names to human names, in a pinch.
This is a follow-up from my post yesterday, Top 10 Things Men Find Unattractive in Women. Please let me know if there’s anything I missed in the comments. This list is based on careful observation of what women do and don’t like, but I might have gotten some things wrong. Let me know if you find any of the above traits attractive too.
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