This is your science-fiction and fantasy horoscope for Monday 20th April 2015.
The management are not responsible for the accuracy of your horoscope or any failure to fulfill your destiny.
This week you will feel the call of a dark power, attempting to lure you into a dark underworld of demons and imps. Avoid subways and sewers for the moment. On the upside, you will also get some helpful advice from a woman with glowing hair.
You will encounter a wizened man this week who is looking for someone skilled in computer games. Whatever you do, say yes. A space battle that has been raging for centuries can only be won with your help. This week, your lucky colour is yellow.
Congratulations, you have a twin. Split at birth, your twin has been trying to track you down for years and finally got your address from a friend. Don’t worry if friends and family don’t seem to notice your new sibling, they’re just jealous.
Unfortunately, that beautiful man or woman you met last week is an evil mage. No matter how much they plead their innocence, you need to keep repeating the Rites of Expulsion on them. Remember? Your mother told you them before she was sucked into the vortex.
Twenty-three. That’s the number of knights you’ll be riding with against the dragon Flantrax. Now’s when all of your training will become useful. Hopefully you’ve been keeping up with your studies.
A spaceship will land in your nearest park this week. Their clerk has come down with a bad case of space measles. Grab the opportunity, just know that it won’t be all that different from your current job. Office work in zero-g is still office work. Don’t sleep with the eight-handed woman.
Your significant other has been infested with brain bugs. While they might seem perfectly normal, you should help them get rid of the parasites. Useful techniques include neck massages and listening to them talk about their day.
Game of Thrones is real and George RR Martin has been there. When he turns up on your doorstep asking you to join him, refuse. He’s running out of characters and you’ll die within 20 pages.
All of the stories about alien abductions are true. The reason they have been probing people is because their own brains are in that particular location. Convince them to put the probes in your mouth instead, so that you can talk to them. Be the first person in history to talk to an alien.
That strange noise in your basement is a crack in the curtain between worlds. Make sure to use your dormant magical powers when it opens, as kitchen knives won’t hurt the beast.
You are actually Cthulhu. Do with that information what you will.
A great month for you Pisces, as you will rescue several young royals from their doom at the hands of their uncle Fairfax. Keep your laser pistol handy and you’ll be fine.
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